lost without a cause

Time spins around me. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. This fire brings no comfort to the vast expanse of the pure emptiness of the night sky. The darkness envelops my thoughts-- thoughts that come uninvited, pulling, stretching, destroying. It is relentless as it slowly pulls my soul apart until finally all that I am is stripped away. I am left here only with my heart beating its deadly and monotonous rhythm.

Oh how I ache for sunlight. 
Oh how I ache for the dawn.

identity crisis--- WHAT. AOWOUWUWHUWH

whoops, forgot to write stuff here. anywaays..

So often I find myself wondering who I am. I try to find my identity in the clothes I wear, the people I call my friends, the way I talk, the way I act, the way I appear to others. It's exceedingly foolish to do so, yet it happens far too many times. This is all I need to know: that I'm a child of God's. I need nothing more. I am nothing more. Playing around with the world to find out who I am is NOT an option.

I am Christ's alone.
This is who I am forevermore.

right through my fingers

It hurts, that feeling of regret that you get after you watch an opportunity fly past, disappearing into oblivion.
I've had it bite into me too often. I'm left only to wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to take that chance. I'm left only to watch as people walk away, while friendships and relationships diminish. Sometimes I wish I would have taken those opportunities, instead of living in this.

It hurts.

I just gotta pick myself up and start doing things instead of watching idly on the sidelines. I can't do anything if I'm just dreaming. Grasp these opportunities. They're God-given, aren't they? The ones I missed - they just weren't part of God's plan. Who am I to question God's plan for me? Everything will turn out for the best in the end...right?

a heavy heart

i won’t forget that moment ever,
just us, dreaming and gazing into the sea.
i tried everything i could to make it last forever,
i held my breath, hoping that it wasn’t just a dream.

but a moment is but a moment, and a moment passes by.
i couldn’t hold it, i couldn’t make it stop in time;
it simply slips through your fingers, no matter how hard you try.
and you’re left only to wonder, afraid to open your eyes.

The End

I've been thinking about heaven--and subsequently death-- lately. I keep finding myself in the same place, asking myself how others would describe my life. Orson Scott Card's concept of a "speaker for the dead" seems to be particularly applicable here.

 "Speakers research the dead person's life and give a speech that attempts to speak for them, describing the person's life as he or she tried to live it. This speech is not given in order to persuade the audience to condemn or forgive the deceased, but rather a way to understand the person as a whole, including any flaws or misdeeds."

Would I be a selfish fool, focused only on what the things of the world has to offer, or would others see Christ first and foremost in my life? Ah, I wish so much for the latter to be true. I wish that when others look at my life they see the work of Christ in me, that I would be able to point them to Him who saved me.

If you never woke up tomorrow, what would people know your life to be? What would your "speaker" say about your life? What do you want your life to be marked by? Start now. The opportunities fly by too fast. Who knows, you might not wake up tomorrow. 


This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

to fly [or: a wish]

oh, the things I'd do, if I could fly,
to leap with grace into the sky
and simply watch the world below
just vanish while I sail on by

the million dreams that I have dreamed
could unfold one by one and seem
so easy now to grasp and hold,
no longer would I fear to dream

oh, the things I'd do, to fly away,
to drift on past another day,
if I could leave you all behind,
there would be no excuse to stay

bye-bye.

and once I'm gone, I'll never return,

for who would notice? there'd be no concern

I'll make and break friendships all over again

and laugh all the while, while watching you burn

one more

this is the last one i'll post.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

/quote binge