who i am

i am conceited. i am self-focused. i am vain. i am a fool. i am prone to anger. i am proud. i am not a loving person. i am mean. i am inconsiderate. i am fake. i am a hater. i am a liar. i am a luster. i am a thief. i am an idol-worshipper. i am disgusting.

...i am a sinner - a sinner in desperate need of grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

but i can also say this:

i am forgiven. i have received endless grace--grace that I do not deserve. now, what i see myself as is different than what God sees. my sins have been paid for in full upon the cross, and God no longer sees me as condemned. there is no need for me to strive for salvation. my works do nothing to free me from myself. it is through His work alone that this frail sinner can call himself redeemed.

...i am redeemed.

dream on.

even though it may seem like we can't do much about our future, there's actually quite a bit that we can do.

we can always develop skills and habits that will help us out in the future - or we can ruin our bodies and lives for the future. it's the decisions that we make today that will ultimately affect our future. in a sense, i think we do have some control over our future, even though we know that God controls the future and has good things in store for us.

it's really hard to think about the future. for me as a teen, i have plenty of years ahead of me (hopefully!). the hardest part, though, is to just give all my cares to the one who controls everything. i know it's what brings one peace, but it's just not easy at all.

but i'll do this. i'll lean on Him. i'll keep dreaming of a future --and if God wills it, it will come to pass. i'll do whatever is in my power to achieve that dream, but i'll always point to the one who really deserves all the glory. if it isn't what God wants me to do, i pray that i'll be able to take disappointment easily, that i wouldn't question His motives.

dream on.

a beacon!

school started today. well... not really, since there's only online stuff to be done. the real stuff starts next week - it'll be time to actually start organizing myself for school (although now should really be the ideal time...eheheh). but to be in a mostly secular school like this one is a perfect opportunity to really just live out the life we're called to live and to set a Godly and humble example.

i pray that in this school year i would be able to depend on God more. i pray also for my friends in this school, that they may not be overwhelmed by the work ahead of them, that they would fit in easily and quickly, that they may feel right at home.

i hope i can be an example people can look up to, christians as well as nonchristians. but the main goal by hoping that is so i can learn to be humble - and to point them not to my own glory, but to His glory alone. i pray that i can be someone can look to and see Christ in me instead of me alone.

God, i pray for your grace for this year.. i pray you'll make it fun for me, even though it'll be tough. i need you.
amen.

it's time to step it up.

today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

i can no longer sit around just dreaming of what i could or should be doing. it's about time that i get up and do something about my life. i can't let opportunities just slip away through my fingers while i just wonder about what the heck happened. i have to move on, embracing the past - but only for reversing the mistakes i made back then. the mistakes of the past are stepping stones in life. if i learn to use them to help propel my life forward, then they're mistakes well experienced. it would stink if i didn't learn anything from them.

so from here on out - with God's help - i want to be more responsible-- i will be more responsible-- in living my life. i want to live a life that's marked with faith, humility, prayer, dependence on God, responsibility, integrity, care, and good character. that's a lot of stuff to work on.. but with God, anything is possible.

a simple 'thanks'

i find that gratefulness doesn't come easily for me. like... at all. so often i just take practically everything i interact with in life for granted. i find myself making me the center of the universe, demanding that everything go the way that i want it to, without even caring about others along the way. it's wrong. it's sooo wrong.

i need to make others my focus, second to the truth of the Gospel. i need to be able to be grateful for everyone in my life, no matter what happens. i think it is this that is making part of my life quite miserable. living in a selfish world isn't going to produce joy.

just start with a simple thanks and then move on from there.

so.. thanks. thanks, God, for being my heavenly father. thank you for dying the death that i deserved. thank you family for loving nurturing me although i don't even deserve the love you show me at times. thank you friends, for putting up with me, for laughing with me - and probably at me as well, and for sharing your lives with me.

thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

just overflowing.. with love..

loving people is heck-a-hard. contrary to what the popular culture likes to put up front, love is no easy thing. i don't mean just romantic relationships - i mean loving one another as people, as friends, as family members, as Christians. it's.. hard. whether it's obeying your parents with a cheerful heart, relating with your friends and siblings with true brotherly / sisterly love, or your just loving your to-be-spouse, everyone knows that it's not easy. well... i dont think it was meant to be easy.

i'm reminded of one of the seminars that was taught by Mr. Machowski at yc'09. he taught that Christian love is one-sided. one-sided as in loving without expecting love in return. 1 John 4:19 - 'We love because he first loved us.' God's love is--or at least should be-- our reason for loving one another. just think. for He so loved the world, that He gave His only son. He sacrificed His ONLY son! that.. that's a lot of love for a fallen race - even knowing that some of them would still reject his open arms. Jesus lived an unselfish life, loving those he came to die for, even those who had him crucified. what selfless love!! to love even your worst enemies - it must have been tough, looking into their eyes while they jeered at him hanging on the cross. all he said was, 'father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.' wow.

-

His love is definitely a good motivation for loving one another, but it's so hard for me to keep that in mind when relating with my family. it's so hard for me to love one-sided, not expecting anything in return. it's so hard especially without depending on God's strength to aid me. i've been lacking this sense of faith where i turn to God in areas that i think are petty. i guess to God, nothing in our lives are petty to him. if he would send his only son to free us from the bondage to sin, what's there to say that he won't help us in our daily struggles? gah - i wish i could think like this every moment, but i don't.

God, help me. i need you. help me to love my brothers and my sister unselfishly. help me to be patient. help me reflect the life lived by your son - help me live to love without demanding or expecting anything in return.

♪ LALALALLA LALLA NAANANAN YAYYA♫

wahaaaa. i really like singing. i only wish that i had started at a younger age. three or four years ago, i absolutely hated music. i hated how my brothers were seemingly obsessed with different artists, songs, genres, etc. i even vowed that i would never be like them. i didn't listen to any music at all, meaning that i didn't even try to sing - aside from on sunday mornings.

looking back, i can only laugh at myself. i regret not giving this voice more practice. we are called to lift up our voices in praise to the Lord, and although i love singing random songs, my main goal in using my vocal cords should be to lift up His name. i'm glad that i now enjoy music - it seems silly to think that i would have ever thought that music was dumb. blaaaagh. how dumb of me! it makes me really happy to sing, now that my voice is getting better. i need to make it a priority for me to make Him happy through my voice & the music i make.

God, thank you for this gift of music. it's awesome. ;)